El Pesar Es Una Perra

(Very loosely) translated, the above title reads: "Regret (or actually, the grief) is a bitch". And it is. I had a really bad night because of one thing. One thing. And honestly, dear readers, that one thing will hurt me for another week. I'll get to that later - I gotta lot going on, and I'm gonna try to get it all out to you, but it's late and I have to be up at 0700. Well, what the hell. I better get used to this no sleep thing - school starts next week. Dangit. . .

I believe I said something the other day about heading to Arizona (I just checked - yes I did). Well the trip can be summed up in one phrase, (which I used to describe an attempted nap on the way home): "More frustrating than refreshing". Was the trip beneficial? Yes. Does the couch look good in my room? Yeah, I spose it does. Am I excited about the coolness that is having a couch in one's room? Of course. HOWEVER, you have to understand how much we drove in a 24-hour period. It took us 6.5 hours to get there on Tuesday night (we didn't lay down in our hotel beds until 0030 on Wednesday morning - and then we woke up at 0700) and then, because of the trailer we were pulling, it took us 8 whole hours to get home. We were driving more than we were there! The ride over wasn't that bad, because I actually got to drive for a few hours (from Palm Springs to Quartzsite) and that broke it up a bit. God, that ride home though. Man it was rough. You see, I'm an extremely impatient driver. My comfortable speed is between 75 and 80 (I wouldn't lie about this - yeah, I speed, but it's really within the flow of traffic). The entire way home, we never exceeded 65 (and really stayed between 55 and 60) because, again, of the trailer. It was SO frustrating for me! I mean, yeah, we made it home and now I have a couch, but holy crap I was going crazy inside. Did my dad and I have a bonding experience and did we enjoy the time we shared? Yeah, but I'm sure he'd admit that all that driving was really unnecessary (we came up with alternatives to us going to get the couch only after we had already picked it up and were heading home) as much as I do. O well. What's done is done. . .

So last night, Justin and Cy came over after I had set up my couch. They liked it, and actually gave me a few pointers and such (Cy's I think will be discarded - I think I like my couch where it is. . . I'm just not sure!). Justin and I actually played NHL FACEOFF '98 for PS2 for about two hours (I think - I kinda lost track). Either way, he beat me 5-4 in the games we played (meaning he won five and I won four - I was up 4-2 also - dangit) but it was a lot of fun to play the old school hockey game - I think we've found our new NBA JAM!

I woke up this morning (after having gone to bed around 0200 - that's 19 hours of being awake) around 1130. I really hate that! (Note: It won't happen again for a long-ass time with my new workload upcoming - you'll see) Anywho, I got showered, ready, and rocked and rolled out of the house. I went to Cy's work (actually, it's his mom's too ha ha) to fill out some paperwork to get me started over there doing what I did best for about seven months a couple years ago. You see, I was a file clerk for Mrs. Serrano (who I lovingly refer to as "Mama") over at the ANTELOPE VALLEY SURGERY CENTER from June 2004-March 2005 with my good buddy Tom Mierau. We did all sorts of grunt work over there, but got paid damn good money doing it (we made $10.50 an hour doing that - it was awesome!). Well, when Mama left there (she was nursing director at the time) to begin her own medical center of sorts, mine and Tom's role became more and more forgettable for those now in charge. We got laid off in March and it was then that I began my great job search (which didn't result in a job until August of 2005 when I got a hosting job at a new Italian restaurant. . .). Cy has been working for his mom (doing what Tom and I did plus more) this summer, and now that school is starting for him and his co-workers, Mama needs another helper. Enter me. I'm actually starting in the morning because that's the only time that Cy and I are both gonna be available - he's gotta train me (which might be weird at first. . .). Next week, when school starts, the times that we're gonna be there kinda overlap. When I'm there, he won't be. When he's there, well, you can figure it out. But, yeah, I'm excited cuz that'll be an extra 10-15 hours of work for me (pay isn't as good, but it's still money man) and that'll put me ever-closer to being able to get married (my ultimate reason for working so much - can't get married til I got money!). I can't wait (for marriage, of course haha)!!!

Speaking of marriage, on to why none of that is going through my head. While I should be jovial and excited about my new opportunites (among them, a chance to train as a SALAD CHEF at JC - a couple of the former salad guys got canned, so myself and Chris were asked if we were interested in mixing in a few chef days with out TT days. . . training begins next week. . . scary!), I can't get my head past what I did tonight when truly the most exciting thing of the week happened to me. You see, Heather has not been able to get a hold of me in a long time. Well, she hasn't tried. I understand that phone/internet access is difficult for her to get (and I truly wouldn't want her to go crazy just trying to get in touch with me - - well maybe I would. . .) but it's been really hard for me to get through these weeks barely hearing from her. Honestly, in the four weeks she's been gone (yep, the countdown has reached it's final week!) we've talked for cumulatively under an hour. That's it. It's not enough for me. Well, tonight I finally heard from her (of course she called me during work - my bad luck!). However, I wasn't thinking straight. We were kinda busy (or at least I was - a few too many tables had gotten up at the same time) so I answered my phone in a rush and said that I was at work and really couldn't talk (which was partially true - I could have gone outside for a few minutes). Add that together with the fact that I couldn't hear her (I was in the corner of the restaurant - not great reception I tell you) very well and you have our thirty second conversation. I did hear an "I love you" which brightened my day like none other (it's hard not hearing that as much as I'm used to. . .) and I responded with my own "I love you too" but who knows if she heard me. . I realized after I hung up (something I really really didn't want to do - you know, the guys at work were razzing me about just missing "the loving" - whatever that means ha ha - but the things I miss most are things like her voice, her laugh, and her presence; all I really want is to be in the same room as her!) that I should have just let her leave me a message if I didn't have time to talk. At least I would have known what was going on with her! True, her mom called me later on in the night and left a message saying that they were boarding their plane for Fiji, but I would have loved to wish her a safe journey or, o I don't know, anything but what I did. I was so mad at myself! Heather, if you read this, I'm sorry. I really am. . . You see, when I hear from her, I have so much (a week's worth - the last time I talked to her was last Thursday and the time before that was the Thursday prior) to tell her, that I kinda lose track of everything that's going on. My head kinda goes bonkers, so to speak. Reliving it right now makes me mad again. Great. Now I gotta go to sleep upset at myself. . .

This trip has been hard on me. I thought I'd be fine and have moments of insanity (brief, of course) but altogether be alright (I think I just used two words that are "bad English" - sorry Grandma Pat!). Well, I'm not! Tonight, I was so frustrated with myself that I had to take like five mintues to collect myself. I was angry, and when I get angry, it evolves into sadness. I was on the verge of tears when I was by myself collecting my thoughts. It was so hard to keep it all in. I haven't cried in so long (being macho means you don't cry - and I've had to be that way whenever I think of Heather being away, especially when we dropped them off four weeks ago - I had to be strong for Barbara) that I don't know how long I would if I let it all go - the frustration, the pining, the just plain insane amount that I miss Heather - and I don't know if I'll ever know. I'm gonna be so busy over the next week (I'm working a total of almost 15 hours tomorrow between my two jobs, and then I start school and then my life with two jobs on Monday) that it's gonna fly by, and before I know it, the greatest day ever will have arrived (next Thursday!!!). I don't know. I'm not sure what I learned about myself. I think I need to think a bit more about me and my crazy head. I still don't know what Heather sees in me - - I think I've got her hypnotized or something :D - - -

Well, now that it's 0100, and I have to wake up in six hours, I'm gonna retire for the night. Sorry for this "downer post". I just had to let that off my chest. . .

Thanks for listening (all four of you ha ha). I appreciate it.

- - - "Well the truth is, I miss you. Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so."
- - - "Warning Sign" by COLDPLAY

Goodnight (or good morning - - ),

JUSTIN